From The Desk Of The Commissioner: Finality In Three Simple Steps

Part One:

 I trust everyone's Christmas went well. I had a great time celebrating with Steve, my sister, niece and mother. I'd forgotten just how magical a time like this can be to children. It's been a real source of joy for me this December. 

Last Christmas was the exact day that Sara packed up her bag and left for her parent's house, so that she could spend the holiday with them and the new year with her new friends in Calgary. I spent Christmas alone watching Marriage Story, which is quite a visceral screenshot of 2019 for me, and trying to fall asleep to escape being awake. I think I made a Disney + subscription as well. That streaming platform is incredible, despite what it's existence means for the future of cinema. I left for my silent retreat on January first and I continued to grapple with the state of affairs in my life as I was locked in my head for fourteen hours a day. When I had finished I received an email from Sara stating that she'd cleaned out all of her things from the house and I had to do the same. The typical joke I make at this point to deflect any sort of emotional trauma is "all that time spent getting in touch with the zen of the present moment and then..." So, I did. I cleaned up ten years of my life and left my house keys on the table as I left for Miami. I remember standing on my front porch waiting for Sara's dad to drive me to the airport (he'd requested to do so) and seeing Milo scratch at the window, asking me to come back inside. Short of breaking a window, I was restrained from doing so. I think that moment is when whatever was left of the old John's heart died. There was no more connection to this town. I was left with the vast possibility of starting over. 

I've talked about the rest in other recently deleted posts, so I won't take up your time rehashing those moments. Ironically, Loki threw a pandemic upon us all and we've all had to face a lot of struggles this year. I think a part of myself is happy that this all happened, because it allows people a legitimate reason to, perhaps, not focus their attention on the juicy gossip that is my life right now. However, I think you'll all agree that this year we've all been forced to re-evaluate what's important to us and we have abundant time to create new habits surrounding these necessities. I understand that's a double edged sword, but I think it's, overall, a good thing. Sometimes, we just need to have an outside force destroy any possibility of maintaining our normal way of living. It allows us to change and grow. 

I didn't really get to write a top ten films of 2019. I didn't have the energy to and, to be honest, I didn't see a lot of films last year as I was fighting for my former marriage to the bitter end. If I did have a favorite, it'd probably have been Midsommar by Ari Aster. It is a beautifully horrific fairy tale about a toxic relationship and how it finalizes. I really enjoyed myself throughout the film, I just wasn't aware of the subconscious irony it presented at the time. 

I wanted to give a brief hodgepodge of my top three films of 2020. There wasn't a lot of films that came out this year and I'd be padding my list with a bunch of bullshit, I just don't care about doing that. Not right now, not anymore. 

So, without further ado, here is the best three films of 2020 that I got to see...

Part Two:

3. The Vast Of Night:

This is a feature from a first time director that is really quite great. One of the beautiful things of modern cinema is that it's quite inexpensive to make compared to past generations of film makers. It just takes clever adaptability and desire to learn on your own. 

This film begins with a rather wonderful long take that introduces you to the town and the main characters. There's some exhilarating shots using RC cars and go-pros. Overall, it's a Outer Limits episode with root beginnings in HG Wells. I thoroughly enjoyed the brief time that I spent with it.

2. Soul:

I just watched this yesterday, so perhaps it might rise or drop in my mind as I continue to think about it. I really can't believe that Disney made this film. It's a Pixar film which are usually the cream of the crop for children's pictures. I've never really enjoyed Pixar though, they often just take me emotionally to the edge of where I might become invested and then they pull back. However, this film had me in the first five minutes. It's a beautiful movie about meaning in life and what's important to us at the end of the day. It's masterful in animating huge existential concepts and making them understandable for the audience. The partnership of Trent Reznor's score with a Jazz musician created an entirely atmospheric, yet vibrant place for the movie to reach into my heart. It really felt like a perfect film and one that I will be returning to and quoting from for years to come (move over Moana).  

1. Sound Of Metal:

I kind of knew before I watched this movie that this would be on my list. It's a film about a heavy metal drummer that loses his hearing and eventually goes deaf. Like Soul, it's a movie about the importance of purpose, this film explores the miserable aspect of what it feels like to have it ripped away from you. I am blessed to have my hearing, but I can still relate with the main character having what he thought his life was going to be, suddenly, taken away from him by an outside force. I think we all can with the way the Pandemic that has affected and changed what normal is in our day to day lives. I've heard this movie described as misery porn, which I have to disagree with. That type of film is devoid of all hope. In this film hope is in short supply, but I think there are moments of grace, they just come in the form of adjusting to the way things are going to be for Riz Ahmed's character going forward. I think that's a prescient message for each of us at this point in human history, the way our lives are going to look are going to change and how do we deal with that. I shared a similar journey with this character this year, finding life again when all I wanted was death. I found vibrancy, as much that's possible to find, in the unknowingness of this world. Finally, can we just give Riz Ahmed all of the roles going to Rami Malek? I can't believe that bum won an Oscar and is a Bond villain. 

Part Three:

All this takes me to the commencement portion of my writing. This is something that I've been thinking about all year, so it's not a decision that I'm making brashly. I'm here to announce my retirement from fantasy football. I will not be rejoining you all at next year's draft and won't be returning to my shared league with Shayne. There are several reasons for this decision, which I'll try to outline, but, the heart of the matter is that it doesn't really matter to my heart. This isn't to say that I don't appreciate each of you in TFLOEG, I truly do, I just don't give a shit about the parlor game of fantasy football at all anymore. What would make me happy is to just watch the Saints play each week and not worry about players on other teams. 

I guess what prompted this decision is that I put fantasy football under the same lens that I've had to with everything else in my life these past two years. "Is it benefitting my life or is it making life a little bit worse?" Although, I love that the league gives our high school friendships a safety net to rely on, I've grown tired with the topics that focus our collective attention. To be frank, the stat correction debacle that happened this year is when I threw in the towel, so this commencement has been a long time coming. 

At the core of this TFLOEG project was the desire to maintain a friendship group that has been together for more years than it hasn't in our lives. I just feel it's time to move on and evolve the friendships I have with those of you that want to continue being friends. Being the commissioner in the league has been a beautiful expression of artistry, but, for the last couple seasons, it's been really taxing on my emotions and I can't do it again. I just can't. I just cannot pretend to care about a particular player for the Jaguars' rushing yards or debate the merit of a trade. I'm just over it, it's become not fun for me. 

I'm not sure how you all will react to this news. I don't want to take away anything from Travis' championship, which was well deserved. I just needed to wash my hands of this before the new year. I will definitely assist in the transition of the league from a logistical standpoint to however you guys want to go with it. I want to do things the right way. Please know this decision isn't a reaction to my relationships with each of you. I still want to maintain them, I just want to do it without fantasy football. Some of my favorite things about this league is going for lunch with Stan, producing a podcast that has nothing to do with fantasy football and going to league events. That's what I want to do going forward have fulfilling friendships with those of you that want it and not have to worry about being the maternal figure in a game I have very little interest in dedicating my attention to. I appreciate your understanding on this.

So, there you have it, the final thing I'm likely to write on this blog. Perhaps, I might write a film review if you all want them, but it's time for me to walk away from this. I just can't play fantasy football anymore. It's become a negative part of my life and I need to do what's right for me. 

I love you guys.

-The Commish